The thing about having experienced a lot

One problem when you have experienced a lot more than your partner in terms of relationships and one night stands is that you know very well how it feels like to do the wrong thing, and that makes you frightened because you know that your partner can get hooked if he or she has been exposed to it, and its potential to shake the very foundation of your relationship.

In the dark

A couple of years ago, vaguely, I saw my former partner outside our rented apartment in the dark with a stranger. It was really late and the light coming from the windows wasn't enough to push back the shadows that hid them from me. But I knew they were close. Too close for strangers to stand by each other in a dark corner of the compound.

I was used to sleeping with my partner. We shared that small bed that was pushed against the thin wood wall. Feeling that someone was with me as I slept brought me comfort, security, contentment. But that night I woke up alone and confused. Where could have my partner gone?

I heard hushed voices coming from outside. Our room was nearest to the only door of that small place. I tried to silently open the door of the room, but I knew that that would be impossible since our room's door was tightly pressed against the wooden frame of the wall. I opened it still and rushed outside, away from the bright flourescent light of the small living area, into the dark outside. And there I saw them.

My partner immediately tried to bring me back inside. I can't be sure of what I did next. But I am not a man of the fist therefore I can definitely say that the stranger left bruise-free.

I was angry at my partner, but it eventually subsided. I was even foolish enough to apologize to the stranger for my odd behavior thru text. I don't know why I did that, but I know now that my reaction wasn't odd at all, in fact it was warranted, and that by apologizing to the stranger I have lost my mind.

Regardless of reason, no partner should ever meet with a stranger especially in the dark. The experience has left me a little traumatized, paranoid even. I hate this.

Rejection for Dummies

A couple of years ago I dated a guy I have mentioned in one of my older entries. Of course, if you’ve read it, you would know who I’m talking about. I won’t go into details, but to keep it short: we stopped and he got angry.

It's odd that the guy I dated years ago was mad at me. Was it the way I answered back at his pathetic, desperate verbal attacks or was it because he couldn’t accept the fact that I’m not into him.

I haven't done anything bad. I only did what I had to do, reject him. It must’ve grown on him and has made his life’s mission to stay mad at me 'til he’s peacefully in his sleep. Now, it’s not only my former date who’s mad at me, but there are others as well. Others whom I’ve had dated.

Anyone can become angry. That is easy. But to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose and in the right way... that is not easy. Aristotle

I’ve thought maybe they’re not well aware of what to do when they’re under pressure of being rejected or when they have already been rejected.  So here, I’ve decided to share some of my own thoughts on how to move on from rejection, your fault or not.

Do not take your rejection personally. Remember, it's not easy to reject a person. The reject-or needs to take the reject-ee's feelings in to account. He needs to break it to you in such a way that you'd get less hurt from the experience. He's actually doing you a favor by not wasting your time with him.

Erase him from your phonebook. Keeping his number would only make the feeling worse (if you’ve been rejected). You’ll only be tempted to rant at him. You’ll end up as the bitter little loser and him the glorious winner.

Change his name. If you can’t erase him from you phonebook because you think you might actually have a chance to be friends with him but you’re not ready yet, then its better that you change his name for the meantime to “Do Not Text Him”. It worked for me!

Indifference. Don’t show or let the person know you’re concerned. Be apathetic.

Surround yourself with friends. Friends can and will keep your mind off him. They’re one of the best you have to keep you distracted until you get to meet someone knew.

Be in the market. Come on, the guy’s not the only one in the ocean. Surf the net immediately after that date.

Chocolates. Works every time.

And lastly, do not make the same mistakes again. You’re stupid if you will. Making the same mistakes increases your chance of getting rejected, again!

Now I’m sure there are other ways which you guys might think of, or my rules do not apply to yours. It never hurts to try. These, of course, are all based from experience. The whole point of dating is to get to know the person. I don’t see any reason why you should get mad at someone because of rejection. Unless, of course, that person has done something that would really merit anger, do not show one bit of emotion towards him.

Anger, if not restrained, is frequently more hurtful to us than the inquiry that provokes it. Seneca

So, what do I have to say to the guy I dated two months ago? Thank you for showing you still care. You must be in hell every time someone mentions my name.

image source

Try again later

Recently, an old flame popped out of nowhere to ask if we could be friends again. Of course I said yes. He told me how I motivate him now and I felt happy knowing that I help other people become better individuals. But I didn’t expect it was a motivation of a different kind. Our conversations are about our past most of the time and I get uncomfortable talking about it. He nags about how I never put effort in the relationship and I gave up on him. He knows about my present relationship and insists on other things I will not mention here. What I do not understand is how he cannot let go of the past. He is clinging to that past and hoping that our so-called friendship would bring it back. Now that’s stupid. If you are reading this, I will say this to you again: Try again later. Or better yet, don’t try at all. I did my part when I was with you, you didn’t do yours. Do the math.

Unhappy

Forgive this blog entry for I feel like I need to get this out of my system. For the past few days I’ve been bothered and stressed by the only person I thought would make things easier for me. My partner did something I never wanted him to do: going to a gay bar with friends without me. Now I understand that it is his group’s routine to go to Bed almost every week, but it’s really bothersome because miracles happen in gay bars, especially Bed in Malate. I told my partner when we got together that he should not go there without me. He said yes, however, he went there twice without telling me or asking for permission – I had to ask him if went there the night before. I got really mad and I’m running out of patience here. Now some of you might say that I’m too possessive and that there’s nothing wrong with going to gay bars, but I really think that I’m right here. See, in gay bars, especially Bed, if you’re not with your partner, you’re practically single. Like I said, miracles will happen. And something did happen (this is a different story)! I admit, I do not trust him fully, yet, but it’s more on the respect for the relationship, for the partner – me. I love him, but so many people are now against him. My judgment’s clouded and I’m getting scolded by people for it. I’m better and a helluva lot SMARTER than this, I know. He finds it difficult to change this. I don't even think he's amenable to this simple condition of mine. If he changes, good; if not, then I’ll wait for him to mess up and I’m walking out of the door. I have to save whatever respect I have for myself.

Perplexed

No, I have no fanatical idea or some dim-witted observation to share today. I simply want to express what I feel right now. The bittersweet feeling of giving up someone from not so long ago and all the things that came along with it for another who’s crazy about you now. I’m torn, actually, a product of my actions. Of late, I know that I’ve been so immature. Always on the go, rushing things, carefree, and unpredictable, I thought I could always foretell the “not so long ago”. But no, I even gave up early, thinking that I could always wait for nothing to come and make something out of it like solid out of thin air. What the “not so long ago” could never boast is a promise, a vow, a commitment. I can’t be without it. It is what I desire. It is what most people want. But seeing as to why my then source of inspiration cannot give what I desire, I gave space for another which I know can give. Soon I entwined myself in this infatuation. But it came back to me. My past has left an indelible mark, a memory I cannot seem to forego. What the “now” cannot seem to expunge. I know I can always care for 2, but one has to weigh more than the other. Both can never be the same. And so now I try to find the answer that would lift me from this catch-22, this no-win situation, this vicious circle. This bittersweet feeling I can’t seem to get out of, knowing of the ineffaceable reminiscence of the past I keep turning to unknowingly, and what the present holds for me. This is me now, a jumbled room of muddled emotions and dreams.

Depressed si Coby

There's this quote I got from a friend... There are two telephone booths, one working well but with someone in it, and another one that's a little broken. Question was, would you try the broken one and see if it works or not, or simply wait for the person inside the good booth to step out... It's like love, see...

OK, here goes...

All this time I though I was the person inside this good telephone booth, until last Friday... I told him I feel for him... I took the first step.. I tried... I'm failing... Shoot!

I really do feel for him, funny as it may seem, but I'm damn serious about it. We only met a month ago and it doesn't take a genius to tell me that I'm in love with him.

I tried, but I'm failing... As much I want to be in a relationship with him, he kept on telling me I won't find the thing I'm looking for in him. Come on! We practically treat each other like 'kami na'... I just want things to be official to make me feel secured. I am well aware that it doesnt really matter for things to be official, as long as you share something special.  But for me it matters a lot! Makulit akong tao...

Shoot naman! He told me I can date others 'coz he can't be my boyfriend. Pissed me off.. Ok, I'll wait for him. I'll try to wait for him until the time when I no longer can wait, that would be soon. Mabilis akong magsawa kapag walang progress...

Mali rin ako, I know.. I'm rushing things... Di pa raw sya ready kasi ayaw pa nyang masaktan. Pero bakit sya nagalit nung nagpunta ako sa debate? Bakit sya nagseselos kapag katext ko yung mga friends ko?

Weird... I'm no longer sure what will happen. Dont tell me to wait, 'coz I did my waiting and still am... Now I know I'm in a broken telephone booth, uncertain if things will work...

Mula pagkabagot hanggang pagkahulog ng loob ni Coby

Grabe, ang hirap ng buhay na walang magawa kundi magkulong sa bahay at gumawa ng paraan para hindi mabaliw sa pagiging bored.

Sarado ang mga malls. Holy Week na kasi.

Habang ang karamihan ng mga tao ay nagpapakasaya sa kani-kanilang mga paglangoy at pamamasyal, ako naman ay nagtetext at nakahiga sa aking kama habang pinagmamasdan ang bughaw na kalangitan.

Nasa San Pablo ang aking mga pinsan. Walang kaibigang nagaaya sa akin na pumunta sa kung saan sapagkat idinaraos nila ang Holy Week kasama ang kanilang mga pamilya.

Bakit hindi naming ito gawin naming magkakapatid? Dahil ayaw namin. Mga katoliko kaming magkakapatid, pero hindi naming sinusunod ang tradisyon. Maaari niyo kaming tawagin na radikal at hibang, pero wala kaming pakialam. Bawal ang karne, pero kumakain kami ng pork chop, corned beef, pepperoni, at marami pang ibang uri ng karne sa aming refrigerator. Hindi nga naming alam kung ano ang mga Stations of the Cross e! Kami yung mga tipo ng taong matatawag niyong deviant.

Bored ako.

Madalas ay nasa kwarto lang ako at nagtetext at nagbabasa ng magazine. Minsan ay naglaro kami ng kapatid ko ng badminton. Pero kailangan ko ng kausap. Yung matinong kausap.

Buti nalang andyan siya.

Araw araw ay katext at kausap ko siya sa telepono. Tuwang-tuwa nga ako dahil pinapangiti niya ako. Lagi kaming naguusap ng kung anu-ano. Lagi naming pinagtatawanan ang mga bagay-bagay. Mabait siya. Sweet siya. Nakakatuwa pa. Pakiramdam ko espesyal ako dahil sa kanya. Gustong-gusto ko siya. Nahuhulog na ang loob ko sa kanya!

Sana nga… Siya na…

At ngayong patapos na ang Holy Week, maaari ko nanamang gawin ang mga kinagawian kong gawin. Magbubukas na muli ang mga malls. Hindi na ako bored. Malapit na rin kaming magkita muli. Sa Martes. Yun ang araw namin. Masaya nanaman ako. Sigurado, mag-e-enjoy kami sa Martes. Madami kaming gagawin. Isang buong araw na kaming dalawa lang ang magkasama.

Yiee!!! Nai-inlove na muli si Coby!

At ngayong patapos na ang Holy Week, mapuputol ang entry na ito sapagkat hindi pa dito nagtatapos ang aking kuwento…