Sleepless and a cup of coffee

Photo by richardpalumbo-photo.com

Oh, hey. I can't sleep and I have a hot cup of coffee with me. No, it's not the coffee that's robbing me of sleep. It's something else.

I just graduated from college last week and the reality of it all is starting to sink in. I'm a graduate. I no longer have to worry about school, about reports, about pop quizzes, and difficult professors. I no longer have to stress myself with rehearsals and walking from the main gate to the college building (a very long walk, let me tell you). Nope. I'm done with all that. But I do have a whole lot of things to worry about now.

I can't find sleep because I'm worried about not being able to get the job that I want. And somehow all the tweets and messages of encouragement don't seem to help. Mike has been a dear. He's been helping my email copies of my resume to most of the publishing companies in the Metro. So far no replies. Not yet. 

Sure, there are other jobs out there. Yesterday I was at the mall and I was approached twice by a call center in Alabang inviting me to apply for a job in their company. Yes, I was invited twice by two different HR officers from the same company. Makes me ask the following questions:

1. Are so many people leaving that company in waves that they have to give handouts and personally invite mall-goers to apply to fill the empty seats? If so, why are these people leaving if they're advertising themselves as the best?
2. While I'm waiting for a response from the publishing companies, should I consider going back to the call center until I get an email for the position I really applied for?
3. Should I even wait at all? If I did go back to the call center, I'd be working my ass off to become a trainer (yes, I did consider it and I would still do) and work my way up to corporate communications (3rd dream job). That isn't so bad, is it? 
4. What's taking these publishing companies so long to respond?!
5. If I decide to go back to the call center and leave the moment I get an email from a publishing company, won't that make look like a jerk for using them? But then so many people seem to be doing just that already.
6. Why am I even thinking of going back to the call center? Oh yeah--I'm officially unemployed now.
7. When will I become an editorial assistant?

Unlike some of my peers, I do not have the luxury of being unemployed for the next few months. I only have 2 more months left before my lifeline gets cut (I'm hoping it's 2 more months and not less) and I need to get a real stable job that pays. Sure, my writing projects bring in some cash, but it's not the 15th-30th kind. I only get paid when there's something to write about. The woes of being a freelance writer. That's why I really want to become an editorial assistant. It's the first step of my ladder towards writing-with-a-regular-paycheck. 

These are some of the things that have been keeping me awake at 2:30 AM. Just the tip of the iceberg. It seems the stress from reports, pop quizzes, difficult professors, and long uphill walks to the college building is easier to bear now than it originally did.

Oh, look...no more coffee.

Many thanks to college

Jacob sat cross-legged in front of his laptop, searching for words in his head to start his work. He sat staring towards the blinking line on his blank screen as it, too, impatiently waited for the writer to rape it with words. But nothing came; not a drop of inspiration manifested. He was thinking that maybe he was losing his touch and being able to write would eventually abandon him.

He wrote. He wrote for months, not of stories created by his imagination, but by forces that seemed bent on destroying it: web content, research, thesis, analysis.

He never had a chance to explore. He never even had a chance to open a book. There they lay on an empty corner of his room, laced with cobwebs, just like his imagination.

“Isn’t it ironic that the very institution that molds us to become productive men would keep us from becoming productive by denying us our dreams today?” he thought. “

Jacob sat cross-legged in front of his laptop, lost in his search for words.

Stressed Out. Sleep Deprived.

Now that my core leave is about to end, I am preparing myself for the stressful environment that is called work. I’ll be honest with you. I used to enjoy working for HSBC. I loved it once. Working for one of the biggest and best financial institutions, not to mention “the best place to work”, was a very seductive sales pitch. But lately, the politics and unending changes and updates at work seem to be getting more and more unhealthy every second.

I can’t seem to handle all the changes lately. People leave or have been let go for various reasons and those who stay fill their post for an indefinite period of time. Right now, we’ve got thrice the amount of work compared to what we had when I joined the team – October was the beginning of the “peak season” and a lot of accounts were being worked. A lot of updates have been done. A lot add to the inconvenience of our customers. But what can I do… These are procedures – for the company’s best interest - which sometimes confuses me. And I follow these to my very best even if I have to argue with some incredibly stupid GM, Orchard, or Household Bank Cardholders.

I’m not worried about competition. It’s always there. But in my department it’s no longer good. Not to brag but for the first few months I have exceeded even those who have been with the department for years. That’s because I was enthusiastic and new and young. I leveled myself with the top performers at the start and I was able to produce great results for an entry-level employee. Recently my stats at work have been dropping. I’m no longer performing at my best and I’m not worried about it at all.

It helps when we have a goal and we can feel that we’re getting closer to that goal every once in a while be it a promotion or raise. Honestly, I no longer feel that I’m getting to where I should be. I’m going around in circles. I feel like the quality of the work I am doing is not meant to be where I am now and this adds up to the decline of the quality of work I have.

I’m not saying that I’m going to resign immediately. I’m being practical by not leaving yet.  I simply want to let this frustration out. I’m going to continue with this bull crap until the day I no longer need to. I’m going back to school – which is like a new lease in life by the way. I’ve formally requested in writing about my intent of doing part-time work. Hopefully it gets approved pretty soon, otherwise I’m definitely leaving. Contrary to what a lot of people say, I believe that if you have the skill and the attitude, you’ll definitely land a job. What’s difficult is the waiting part – oh, and keeping it.
I remember what Mike said a couple of hours ago. Every time he sees our bags with the company brand...

He gets stressed already.

The others

The fact that there are some people who we need not mingle with are a part of a circle we belong is a sad one. They do not care of what you think, what our superiors think, or what procedures dictate. They simply follow their hormonal desire to feel like they’re above us when they’re not even worth a dime at all. They loudly express their distaste without regard for what is good for the team when they themselves are not even worth working with at all. Allow me to quote my favorite Process trainer, they are simply and officially called, “The Others,” and we are forced to work with them. Ah shit.

On Working Out and Work

While browsing through a bucket of blog entries I've come across a particular post which surprisingly got stuck in my head. A tiny voice kept on telling me to blog it so I can forget it. Basically the message of the post is how life gets fucked up. Now we all know we get what we make of life, right? The subtext of that post is really for the superficial. I will not talk about fucked up lives, just a short comment on what I’ve noticed. A lot of people nowadays are into looking good and they do look good. Almost every guy I know lifts, burns and sweat to flaunt. I’m not saying there’s something wrong with that, we work out to feel and look good (most do to get better opportunities, professionally or otherwise). But I do not think it’s healthy when the only thing we do to feel good brings more stress than it should. Actually, I don’t think it should be stressful. Moving forward… If working out brings more stress to your life, shouldn’t you stop from doing so or at least do it in moderation? This actually defeats the purpose of unendingly agonizing to sculpt one’s body.  Now on the professional side, if looking good is the only way of earning big bucks and you complain about it, then get another job. That’s what I think, but who am I to say this? Let ‘em worry about that.