Our favorite perverted superpowers

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It's not uncommon for someone who just came out of a superhero film or read a superhero novel to wish for superpowers. We all wish to have one, two, or a bunch of unnatural awesome abilities. We'd wish for superhuman strength (to beat that jackass at school to a pulp), superhuman speed (so we'd never be late for an exam), or maybe telepathy (so we'd know where our dads and brothers keep their stash of porn). But we don't have any of these abilities and it just sucks, doesn't it?

We see these superpowers commonly used for good, you know, to protect the weak and the innocent blah blah. But what if some of these were used in bed? I've come up with a short list of superpowers most of us would want to have and how we're supposed to use them in the naughtiest of settings.

Number 1: Super strength. Who wouldn't want to have super strength? It's the most practical of all superpowers. This allows you to bulldoze over heavy traffic without even breaking a sweat. It's so useful that when someone's bullying you and you can't take it anymore, you just grab his nuts and baaam! You, the nutcracker, utter these words: "who's got balls now?!" Epic, really. But among the superpowers of the world, this is one of those that need constraint when being used. You don't want to crush the wall when you're on top of your girl (or guy, if you're a girl or a gay guy), do you?

Number 2: Super speed. Admit it, you had fun last night. You had so much booze that you're head's still pounding and your breath smells like insect repellant. Then you looked at your watch and you realize that you have a meeting with the CEO of your company and your television's showing the perpetual heavy traffic of EDSA. No time to cook so you ate your dog's food, no time to wash your privates after that prostitute threw up her cheap dinner after she gave you a head so you just wipe it off with table napkin, no time at all. Super speed's the best power to get you from your room to the office in a fraction of the time it'll take for you to clean up, eat, navigate through heavy traffic, and wait in line for the elevator. You'll just zoom right past everyone and they'll be like, "did I just saw a dick fly right by me?" Now, like super strength, super speed should also be used with constraint. Imagine teaching your partner the doggy or the missionary while super speeding... You'll climax in a few seconds. I can imagine your partner saying "that's it?!"

Number 3: Mind reading and mind control. This is my favorite superpower. It's your best defense against any other superpower (unless you come across a weak-willed, pale, wimpy girl with the power to block her thoughts from you, then you're dead). Imagine "hearing" their thoughts and "suggesting" whatever you want to them (Inception?!). That's awesome, right? You don't have money so you "ask" for some and you'll get it. You don't know the answer to your test so you "listen" and you'll know that They're is different from Their. Really cool. You get to travel the world without reaching for your wallet. You can ask your partner to undress and do all those nasty positions s/he isn't willing to try. You can even convince your partner that you're too tired to fuck without opening your mouth and s/he will gladly obey.

Number 4: Invisibility. No, this power is different from invincibility, google it. This works well for disgusting perverts and peeping toms. They'll watch you do yourself without you noticing them, unless you suddenly bumped into them or you sensed their presence with your mind reading powers. But the oddest way to use this superpower is by being invisible while having sex. Can you just imagine the sight of someone having sex with no one?! Legs apart and raised... Uhm, yeah.

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